The One from the Hulk's Wedding!

The Girl and I were back in Aus for one of her good friend's wedding. I best explain the title before we go any further. When we are out on the sauce, she likes to do a very convincing impersonation of the Hulk. Not a likeness in the looks department but a rather severe Hulk roar to anyone passing unexpectedly by. It is hilarious to see it in action.

After the ceremony, in between a few photo ops, I took the opportunity to ask the bride for a Hulk. In sporting fashion she brought her arms up in a flexing of guns motion and gave out an almighty "Roooooooaaaaaaarrrrrr!" The Hulk in a wedding dress - that was possibly the highlight of the whole night. But alas it continued on with lots of booze, funny speeches, crazy dancing and a rendition of the Kings of Leons "Sex is on Fire" played out on a Ukulele.

The Jerked One

From now on I am Jerking everything! Anything that needs to be cooked is now going to be jerked first.

The One with the Attempted Bribe

At lunchtime on Tuesday I nipped out and invested in a nice blender that I required for margarita's and my jerked sauce, (before the jokes fly I will let you know how both of these turn out later).

Leaving work I was surprised to see quite a few Police vehicles outside. They usually have a few come down to send youth's through metal dectectors to search for knives. They have one or two vans but this day there were at least four that I could see.

Rounding the last van that I noticed had "dog squad" plastered on the side I saw a policewoman closing the rear doors. Being in a friendly mood I asked the lady if I could pat the dog. She turned back to me and quipped, "Why would I want to let you do that?" Not wanting to be put in my place, I jokingly replied "Oh come on I will give you this blender!"

The woman looked at me briefly and then turned and opened the door. To my disappointment the van was empty. She turned back to me and asked "Are you trying to bribe me?"

I gave a quick shake of the head and made a beeline for the station. I wasn't really sure if she was joking with me but I hadn't wanted to find out.

The One with the Scooter Cover

During my morning jogs I have had to take a detour towards the end of my usual route due to a lack of light along one of the paths. The dirt path goes along a little woodland and is not quite even enough to risk the challenge. The new route is the same distance although it goes down a very empty street containing a couple of cars and a lone scooter right at the end.

During one of my jogs down this road (and for no apparent reason ) as I got towards the end of the road I changed my course and jumped the scooter. It gave me a little surge of adreneline which helped motivate me for the last km. Strangely enough now this has become a regular occurance and after the jump I usually throw my hands in the air and scream a boisterous "DRAGO!" That is until one stormy morning.

The rain was pelting down and I was in a rather miserable state. I proceeded with my usual routine towards the bike, a few stutter steps before the leap, before halfway though the jump I felt me feet catching on something. Luckily enough I managed to land on my feet unscathed with nothing but a bruised ego. There was a loud bang and I turned around to see the bike on its side. The owner had put on a cover (probably to protect it from the inclement weather) which was now masking what probable damage I had caused.

I looked around to find no commotion and hastily continued on my way. I figured the guy probably would think the wind blew it over during the night. My thoughts were confirmed the next day when I passed the scooter secured to a pole. I haven't got the courage to give the scooter + cover a go yet but will keep you posted when I do.

The One with the Irwin Killers

During our time in the Caribbean I decided to take a break from my sun lounge and go dabble with death. It surprises no one to find out that sting rays have an adversity to leaving Australians alive. The girls had arranged a rather nice sail out to a sand bar where the action would commence. I was particularly calm until the stingrays came - not for the fear of the rays but for the hysterical screaming that was emitting from the girls.

The rays themselves were rather tame and circled us with almost a disinterest. We were able to pick a few of them up. The skin had a very hard and slimey texture but the creature itself commanded a delicate touch. I was very aware of the barb towards the end of the tail but it certainly didn't look like it wanted to cause us any harm.

I was a little taken back at the size of the males - we all took them for babies. Not sure the reason the females grew much larger but that is your moment of knowlege for the day!

The One with all the Grievances

During my time here in London I have taken note of a number of things that annoy the hell out of me. Unfortunately these may not be of any interest to you but as the sole writer / editor of this site I take it upon myself to air out my grievances.

1. Cyclists on their high horse. Yes you are the greatest because you ride a bike and are saving the planet but stop swapping between a car / pedestrian when it suits you. Ringing your bell whilst illegally riding on a footpath or across a pedestrian walkway that is green for pedestrians will not make me get out of your way – in fact I will go out of my way to inconvenience your misjudgement on this matter by slowing you down to the point that you have to remove your locked in feet from the pedals to prevent you falling over.

2. If your child is old enough to go to school then they do not need to be transported there in a pram or stroller. This is not only and inconvenience when you push the empty stroller along with the child walking next to you taking up most of the footpath but it also seems stupid when you are taking public transport (ie the bus) and leave an empty pram in the standing area.

3. Multi-bags as carry on. If you do not want to put your bags into the hold then make sure only one goes into the locker above. If I cannot find a space for my small back pack shared between 2 persons, then too many chumps are multi-bagging. Don’t expect me to store this below my feet for your selfishness. This goes for coats up there too – expect them to be squashed into the back of the locker because you don’t want to hang it on the hook on the seat in front of you.

4. Service charges included into the bill. I don’t have to pay this so why do you put it on there? Why do you offer such substandard service when this is the case? Why do you become embarrassed when I ask you to reissue the bill without this?

The One with the Hidden Charges

This was possibly the most caught out I have been in a while and although I should have expected it from a poverty airline my copious amount of consumed Guinness on route to Ireland probably had a little to do with it. We flew a low budget airline (not mentioning any names but it was the smeggling SOB's Ryanair) to Dublin. Having paid a small sum of £20 for myself and the girl it was unfortunate to find the cost of a bag was £40. Never the less the girl was smart enough to pay this beforehand savind £60 in the process.

Once she had checked this in we proceded back to the bar to consume more of the black stuff. Eventually our flight was called and as we got to the gate myself and another mate were held back because "we hadn't got our visa check" at the outside check in. We waited while they located someone to take us back through customs. Interestingly enough they took about half an hour for this to happen - telling us the plane had already left when the girl was texting me that they still hadn't left the gate. Finally the woman 'fessed up and said this was how the airline made money and there was no way they would let us make that flight.

Finding the amusement in it all we headed to the ticket counter to rebook and pay a missed flight charge (£100). Even before I could go into a witty tirade about the whole situation the man was yelling at us. That is when we found it the most fun - having approached him calmly. Ever willing to egg the old fart on I was held back by the running man as he was pretty keen to get over to Dublin. Once our tickets had been presented to us I told the man what I thought of him and his job.

We then headed to the check in counter to get our "Visa checked". In another moment of hilarity we were told that these tickets didn't need a visa check because they weren't a computer print out. Once I had pointed out that my passport had not been checked and the man realised I was not moving without a stamp he became rather flustered. Another woman came over to help out but unfortunately couldn't convince us we didn't need the stamp. I could not work out why a simple stamp was not being issued so I took it upon myself to reach over, grab the stamp and ink my ticket anyway.

Once we finally got through customs we headed back to the bar and proceeded to down more of the black stuff. When we finally headed to the gate we saw around 20 people being held to the side and told they wouldn't be flying to Dublin that night because they had not gotten the "Visa check" and this being the last flight.

Interestingly this is probably not the drunkest flight I have had however it was certainly the most rowdiest! Our fellow passengers were probably quite annoyed at having to be near us especially after the unusually rough turbulence started to make us feel a tad green. When asking about the lack of a sick bag we were told there was a charge for them. Luckily though there was no charge to vomiting onto the floor - at which they said this charge would be overlooked, (fortunately for fellow passengers we did not require the bag).

The One at Halloween

At Halloween owning a monkey suit can have its advantages in costume selection. Rather than go to a party as a plain ape I decided to vary it up a bit. I bought a waist coat, matching fez, tail and some black wings that produced a costume fresh out of "The Wizard of Oz" - the flying monkey.

The costume was a massive hit and rather appropriate given we spent most of the evening outside. The Girl, like most of the other women there that night, had next to nothing on in her skimpy bumblebee outfit (that I certainly had an appreciation of). This meant she spent most of the night clung to me for warmth.

The whole night was blast until, unable to delay the inevitable any longer, I had to make for a bathroom break. Rather than go the hassle of a near complete costume removal (which I figured would be a regular occurence once the seal was broken) I decided to acquire a pair of scissors and create an easy access. This proved to be a winning solution and the party proceeded with a very happy monkey.

The One from Florence

Standing below a statue of a gigantic, marble statue of a naked man inspires you without a doubt. The scepticism I thought would contain my awe departed on the approach along the corridor into the hall. The size is epic, the detail intense, the resemblence to a human unequivocal - I could actually imagine the head turning on its shoulders to make a conversation with someone in the crowd. Inspiration can be found on many plateua's but I find it unimaginable that any artist could not draw a copious amount from this interaction.

The One with the Players Wives

As some of you know - I am a big basketball fan, so when the NBA released the tickets for the game at the O2 arena I was probably one of the first in line for tickets. The teams playing were the Bulls and Jazz. Neither team was particularly of any interest to me at all, especially with Korver being injured and not able to throw up a few long bombs, but an NBA game is an NBA game and thus, a must.

I took the girl as she quite enjoyed the Kobe show we had seen at Madison Square Garden during our trip to New York. What she hadn't expected was the remarkably close seats I had gotten us - 5 rows behind the Bulls bench. What thrilled her even more was when she learnt the row in front of us seated the Bulls players wives/girlfriends/family. As quick as you like she stopped taking photos of the players for me and whizzed the camera around at the ladies. No not the ladies themselves but their accessories. The diamond rings, jewellery, handbags and shoes. Naming brands and prices I could hear the excitement in her voice. She couldn't believe her luck until she realised the unfortunate situation of being unable to discuss it with anyone.

The game itself was of a fairly good standard considering it was pre-season. The buzzer beater at the end came from the unlikely hero, rookie James Johnson, who has played limited minutes for a bad Bulls team so far this season.

We both walked away from this encounter happy, me with the show on the court and the girl with the show off the court.